I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
