So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
