Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
