break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
