Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
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