I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
