I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
