I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize