On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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