is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
