I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
