The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
