Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
