Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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