he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
