i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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