It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
