Pappa wants mamma naked
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
