Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
