we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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