shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
