uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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