just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
you had me at cake vodka
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
