She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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