walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
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