sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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