Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
