My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Randomize
