I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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