tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
