I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Randomize
