i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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