who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
