I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
