the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
