he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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