I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
