his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize