I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
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