I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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