i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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