you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
