Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
