I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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