I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
