I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
