Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
