I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
PS: I just woke up from my shower
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
