my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
