i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We just shotgunned beers for America
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
