I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
