my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize