last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
