The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
