You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize