did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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