He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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