I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
whose parrot is this?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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