I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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