we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
