i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
