Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
