haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
