I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Randomize
