New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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