I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
