You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
