I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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