So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
