yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize