I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
