Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
