saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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