I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
